The Choices We Make

When I was out in Seattle last week visiting friends from college who I haven't seen in 5 years (and a couple I haven't been in touch with at all during that time period), I got the question. You know. THE Question. Every JBC or Jew-to-Be knows the question and gets asked it a million different ways by a million different people: Why did you convert?

I always find this to be a difficult question to answer, and not because I don't know the answer, but because I never am quite sure what kind of detail people want when they ask. Are they just being polite and they want the quick-no-details-I-did-this-and-thats-that answer? Or do they want it more fleshed out? Do they want to hear me talk about my philosophy of belief in God? Do they want to hear about belief at all? The choice of words, of language, is interesting. For instance, if I know that the person I am having the conversation with is religious themselves I feel more comfortable using God-language and language relating to belief and faith. If I don't know the person's own religious affiliation or views I'm usually a lot more general, talking about my dissatisfaction with the religion I had been brought up in and my interest in, and eventual connection to, Judaism.

This has been on my mind, because while on vacation I was surrounded by people I was friends with before I really got interested in Judaism and obviously before I converted. The ones I had stayed in touch with had been supportive as I converted and everything, but we had never existed in the same space together after I became Jewish. Throughout the stay part of me was very conscious of my Jewish identity and yet not completely connected to it, if that makes any sense. It was almost as if the Queer Jewish Woman that I am now was existing right alongside the Queer Woman I was in college, kind of poking her and saying "wow, I haven't seen you in a long time." Which makes it sound like I was acting differently, but I wasn't. It was more that I felt that the part of my current identity that had actually been around during college was the more acknowledged one because it was the most familiar one in this context.

For anyone who reads this blog regularly or knows me has probably guessed, attending Shabbat services on Friday and Saturday are incredibly important to me. This is my anchor to the week, my refuge when I need it, my celebration. I look forward to being in the presence of my community and God each week. As I headed to Seattle I wasn't quite sure how I was going to navigate Shabbat while I was there. On the one hand I wanted to spend as much time with my friends (none of whom are Jewish). On the other hand I still felt like I needed to have that opportunity to re-ground myself. Friday night before we headed out to Lake Washington I asked if we could look online to find a synagogue close by where I could possibly attend services Saturday morning. We had already made plans with E&M2 for brunch at 11:30, so I tried to find something that would be over in enough time and that was close enough to get to the cafe by the set time. The closest was Temple De Hirsch Sinai, but its service wouldn't begin until 10:30 and I knew it would be at least an hour long if not longer. So, I resigned myself to no temple for the week, which in reality bummed me out a lot more than I was expecting. I kept it to myself at first, because I wasn't quite sure how to express how important Shabbat was to me and I didn't want to upset the plans that had already been made. It wasn't until the next morning after we woke up and were trying to figure what we would do before brunch that I finally spoke up. "Would it be too much trouble for me to go to temple?" I realized that if I didn't make the effort it would bother me the rest of the trip, knowing that I allowed myself to make a choice that I wasn't comfortable with. They were more than happy to oblige; E dropped me off at the temple and everyone did some gardening while I was there. I did duck out before the end of services (though right after the Torah reading) because I needed to meet them all back outside on the corner by 11:30. While I would have loved to stay through the end, I was happy to have participated in Torah study and gotten the chance to sing and pray. The rest of the day I felt much more at peace, knowing that I had made the right decision for myself and my own spirituality.

As a Jew-by-Choice I know that I will continually choose Judaism as my path, as was apparent last weekend when faced with the choice to make my Shabbat observance happen or to go with the flow. I am glad that I did, proud of the fact that I did, and happy that I have the types of friends who didn't think any differently of me or the situation--it's just a part of who I am.