Let's Be Honest w/ Ourselves

I'm going to take a break from recounting my experience at the Biennial to write about something else, something I think that as a serious Reform Jew, one who converted through the Reform movement, I should address. And that is conversion itself. The following might be controversial and is a bit jumbled but here it is:

I just read a post on a blog (here if you want to read) that deals with the emotional frustrations when confronted with born Jews or Orthodox converts who believe that you aren't "really" Jewish. The poster, a Reform convert, had a troubling conversation with an older Jewish gentleman whose questions about her observance and her process, and his eventual pronouncements on her actual Jewishness, seemed to really shake her foundation of how she sees her Jewish self. I think this highlights the problem that people going through, or have gone through, the conversion process within the Reform movement face: their feelings of inadequacy when faced with more traditional Jews. It is something I don't know if rabbis address enough, and I think it is damaging, not just to the converts, but to the entire Reform movement. Because at the heart of the matter is what is considered "authentic" Judaism and who is an "authentic" Jew.

I began my formal conversion process 5 years ago, and became a Jew, officially, on March 30, 2004. But, in reality my process began much earlier, in college, and by the time I had my beit din and received my Hebrew name, I had felt Jewish for a long time. I am a Jew. I don't equivicate that and say I am a Reform Jew. I am, simply a Jew. I belong to the Reform movement, and I am proud to be affiliated with it. I am not Reform because I want to do the least amount of observance. I am Reform because I believe in figuring out what is right for you and not just blindly following tradition; that is one of the many problems I had with my Catholic upbringing. I believe that tradition and observance is important but only if there is meaning behind your actions.

This sentence is going to be contentious, but it is what I feel: being a serious Reform Jew is hard, harder than being Conservative or Orthodox, because a Reform Jew must inform themselves about what they are doing. You must educate themselves and discover the whys of doing something and not just do it. You aren't just told "this is what Jews do, so just go and do it." Each level of observance I take on is a very conscious choice that I debate and struggle with before I take it on. I've recently started down the path towards keeping kosher, and it is a path that I have gone back and forth on in my head since before I converted. Was this meaningful me? Would it be meaningful for me? I needed to make sure that I wasn't choosing to do something simply to take on a traditional observance.

People who convert through the Reform movement with the idea in their head that they will eventually convert again through Conservative or Orthodox to be "more authentic" are dishonest. Those who convert Reform, seriously, and are later drawn towards Conservative or Orthodox, well I believe that if they come to the conclusion by being honest with themselves and not out of some sense of inadequacy, it is valid. However, I find it troubling to read or hear these Reform converts doubt their own Jewishness or allow others to question it and not be able to defend themselves. I think this is a failing of their rabbi. I think it is just as important for a rabbi to help the convert learn about the what of Judaism as it is to learn about the why, especially the why of converting in their specific movement. Reform rabbis who are working with people in the conversion process MUST address the inevitable questioning that these people will get about themselves and their Jewish identity, and they must do it in an open and honest way, with no pressure, no agenda. I think that if someone goes into the conversion process with some doubts as to the movement they are going through, this should be addressed at the beginning. Why Reform? What does being Reform mean in the 21st Century? What does being a committed Reform Jew mean? These rabbis need to be able to help converts find and feel comfortable in their identities as Jews. If other people can make them doubt their own Jewishness (as opposed to genuinely being drawn to a different movement) then the rabbi has not done a good job in helping to shape and solidify that person's identity.

It is vitally important that Reform rabbis help the people studying with them towards conversion understand what it means to be a committed Reform Jew. They need to stress that this isn't the "easy" way towards conversion and that it isn't Judaism-lite. They must help instill a pride in being Jewish, and pride for the Reform heritage they are coming into, for the Jewish heritage they are coming into.

Converts will never have the same experiences that people born Jewish have. We won't have the experience of Jewish summer camp, of learning to our prayers for b'nei mitzvot with our friends, of being a part of a Jewish home from an early age. This can cause stress and sometimes depression in people who are converting, and it must be addressed by rabbis. It should be talked about, frequently, and with many people. It is not just enough to talk to rabbis. It is just as important to talk to other Reform converts who are comfortable with who they are as Jews. I think it is probably difficult for a rabbi to fully understand the stress that converts can feel unless they were converts themselves.

It is completely valid to have these feelings; at one point I had them myself--I was surrounded by people who had experienced all these life events as Jews, while I was attending mass and Catholic school. But after awhile I realized that my past experiences were just that--the past. What I did with my present and my future was going to be important in shaping my Jewish identity. In a sense I felt lucky because I didn't have the family baggage or expectations weighing me down. Who I became as Jew would be up to me and me alone.

So, I ask fellow Reform converts and those in the conversion process: let's be honest with ourselves. Be honest up front with why you are converting through the Reform movement. Is it because they temple is closest or it's the only game in town? Is it because you like the rabbi? Or is it because you genuinely feel that this is how things should be done, that the Reform approach of informed decision is what is right for you? Do you think that somewhere down the line you will convert Conservative or Orthodox to be more authentic in the eyes of more Jews? Who is your conversion for? You or a future spouse who may or may not see you as Jewish? Or is it for the faceless others who you feel will judge you and your conversion?

Becoming a Jew is becoming part of a larger whole, a people. But it is also about becoming YOU. It is important to feel a connection with the Jewish people, but it is just as important to forge a personal relationship with Judaism, and in the ultimate end, with God. Because when it comes down to it you are presumably converting to Judaism because it is how you are connecting to God and that is the most important thing. I think we get so caught up in what makes a Jew a Jew that we lose sight on the fundamental reason for converting in the first place is our relationship with God, not our relationship with man-made constructions of identity.

I am a Jew because I believe Judaism to be the best way to connect with God. I am a Reform Jew because I believe it is the most authentic and valid way for me to forge my Jewish connection to God, opening up a world to me that is precious and genuine.